Befriending the Voice of the Self-Judge

How is everyone feeling out there? So much going on in the collective... I notice a certain "friction" in the air today, shining light on topics that are relevant to each of us in our own unique lives.

For me, there's a part that has been calling for my attention from my heart for years now, and it continues to come up almost daily: it's the "am I good enough" part.

Usually, in the day to day, I'm in flow and being present. There's no room for this voice to speak because I'm doing what I do.

Even in morning meditation, I allow these thoughts to come and go, not attaching myself to them if they arise.

Once night falls however, this voice seems to get louder, judging my actions from the day, questioning whether the actions I took were right actions (even when I KNEW in the moment, I TRUSTED myself in the moment).

Self judgement often comes from involuntary reflection.

Does this voice serve a purpose? Where does it come from? At what age was it impressed upon me that I did something wrong when I felt like I was doing something right?

By and by, I've been giving this voice a platform to be heard within myself - rather than bypassing it or distracting myself, I've been investigating. What I've found is that there are no wrong actions, only judgements. Self-judgements.

Beyond investigating, I've been actually listening to that voice. Logically, when I reflect, rarely is there something that I did that was actually WRONG. It's the feeling that accompanies this voice that loads my body, my system, with discomfort.

The natural tendency is to avoid what we don't like. If we can turn and face it - give it love, comfort, nurturing, and safety - the part that is calling for attention usually settles. This is where healing happens.

Becoming aware of our inner dialogue and the feelings associated with it, is the first step towards resolution.

Once we're aware, we can decide what to do with it. Sometimes becoming aware that this is a pattern is all that's needed - the discomfort, the fear, the judgement, drops all by itself.

Other times, if the pattern has become deeply engrained, whether from childhood, recurring conditioning, trauma, or self-inflicted repetition, it can take much more to quell the discomfort.

Always, these patterns are attempting to get our attention, attempting to tell us something. Healing begins when we decide that we're not going to run away from what it is that's bothering us, but inquire into what it is we are meant to learn, meant to heal.

Life is the great teacher. Your experience, the classroom. We are always given the opportunity to learn.

"It's OK little buddy, you don't need to be afraid."

"Hmm, that's an interesting judgement. I acknowledge you, and love you nonetheless."

"What is underneath this judgement? Where do you come from"

The more aware we become of our own endless thought patterns, the more choice we have with how to navigate, and ultimately, we can become liberated.

It is an ongoing and endless process, just like the unlimited creative powers of the mind are infinitely flowing - at times like a raging river, and at others a gentle trickling creek. Nonetheless, it never ends.

Besides, who is it that is even saying "you're not good enough"???

Who is it that has these thoughts? Who is it that judges? Can we even locate who and what we really are?

Somehow, in the great cosmic soup of existence, there is a "you" and there is an "I", and there is stuff everywhere and anywhere in between. Even in the air, the invisible atmosphere, there is "stuff" floating around, connected by electrons and protons, or put in a more "woo" way, energy.

Everywhere, there is energy. Nowhere, there is nothing.

And yet... in order for there to be "something" there must be a "nothing" somewhere... right?

Indeed, when we turn inwards, we cannot identify a "where" that accurately identifies who and what we are. It all comes from nowhere... and the more you realize that everything somehow, someway comes out of nothing, the only choice is to be now-here.

Nowhere ---> now-here.

So this voice that says I'm not good enough, that judges, that is afraid, that makes me feel anxious, where does that come from?

It comes from nowhere except the intricate, complex, ever-flowing MIND, which cannot be located or identified. The mind's conditionings are a compendium of your entire life's experiences (and if you believe in that sort of thing, previous lives, previous existences, previous patterns of being).

We have no choice but to be present with whatever it is we are experiencing. We can resist it, we can accept it, we can observe it, we can witness it. How do we RELAX into it, into the present moment, into who and what we are in any given moment?

How do we BE WITH whatever we experience so that there's never a wrong moment, never a folly, never an experience that doesn't have some value, some lesson, some teaching.

The invisible hand of God is always guiding us. Realize this, and you will be as free as the sky, clear as an unmuddied lake.

I pray you find the courage to be present today - and if you have a voice inside you, summoning up some energy that you might call "anxiety", "fear", "depression", "worry"... trust that it serves a purpose. Trust that it is there for a reason. Trust that you have nowhere to go but now-here...