Self-Love as the Doorway to Freedom

I remember when I first started contemplating the idea of loving myself. I was sitting in an in-patient rehab center in Washington State after coming out to my family about an addiction to opiates, reading the book The Secret. I was 21 and these were dark times for me. The Secret was sort of like my bible during all of it – I had read the book over and over and was putting some of the practices to use: affirmations, gratitude etc.

The idea that I could change my reality by changing the way I think was not entirely new to me but, given my circumstance at the time, it clicked for me in a new way. Plus, it’s not like I had anything else to lose by trying. I was at a new bottom. I was willing to try anything if it could help me feel OK and live a better life than I was living.

So, I started writing 10 things I was grateful for and 10 affirmations every single day. One of the affirmations went something like this:

“I am so happy and grateful now that I love myself completely.”

Boy, at those times that statement was a complete lie. I hated myself for the way I had been living. I had been lying, stealing, manipulating, womanizing, drinking and on the ultimate path of self-destruction for years. I didn’t see it until years later, but the addictive behavior was a symptom of a wounded, self-loathing heart.

I didn’t love myself, so I tried to destroy myself.

I didn’t know who I really was or what I even cared about. I lived each day is if it were the only day I had to live, completely self-serving with no foresight that anything mattered beyond how I felt in the moment. Chasing euphoria had become like second nature to me.

I was blessed to have an upbringing with an extremely loving and large family so I knew how to love other people, just not myself. When I started writing this self-loving affirmation, it was a fake-it-till-you-make-it situation.

All I knew was that in order for me to live a life I loved, a life I cared about, a life that would make my parents proud and hopefully attract a mate who loves me, I would have to love myself completely.

Fast forward to today and what it means to love oneself has a completely new meaning (and reality) in my life. Since those early days in rehab, I have lived an immensely growth-laden life filled with more and worse struggles than my 21 year old self could have imagined at the time; but I have also been able to experience the opposite end of the spectrum.

Actually, it is in spite of my worst experiences that I’ve had my most wonderful experiences.

The darkness I traveled through led me on a trajectory towards the self-love I sought.

I’ve been able to reflect, meditate, learn, grow, and heal to the point where that person I used to be is unrecognizable. I’ve had mind-blowingly real experiences that have changed who I am forever. I have met and bonded with incredible people who have shaped me and my world in the most profound of ways. I truly love who I am and the life I have created around me.

None of the wonderful things would have happened if I didn’t make the decision over a decade ago to try and figure out how to love myself, and for the longest time I was writing that affirmation with empty feeling, just wishing one day it would be true.

What happened from then until now?

How and why did that one decision shape my path in life?

These questions may best be answered by my current understanding of what it means to love oneself, because it has recently become embedded within me on a new level. For years now, I thought I loved myself - until the endless journey of self-discovery shone light on my shadow.

Loving yourself completely, unconditionally, means loving every part of yourself. Even the ugly parts. Especially the ugly parts.

All of the anger, the self-doubt and self-shame, the regret. All of the times you don’t live up to your expectations. All of your short-comings and flaws. All of your lash-outs, and blame-gaming. All of these parts of ourselves that we try to hide and hold within because they have been unacceptable to ourselves or others.

I started getting curious about these parts of myself. Rather than avoiding those feelings or trying to push them away, I started observing them. The more I noticed them when they arose, the more I would sort of fixate on them and want them to go away.

It was only when I started actively and consciously loving and accepting those parts of myself, did I begin to feel free. When we love and accept who we are unconditionally, everything loosens up. The self-shaming, self-judging voice begins to become quieter – and when it is heard, it is met with the choice to love it.

Through loving the self, it becomes effortless to be oneself. If you can accept who you are 100%, you can be yourself 100% in any situation. And when that happens, it become effortless to love other people.

Accepting one’s own ugliness induces a natural ability to love others when they are acting ugly. Harmony and disharmony are natural qualities of the universe we live in – so you may not like everyone but you love everyone quite easily when you come to love your ever-changing, dynamic, complex, in-flux self.

This doesn’t mean you don’t actively strive to be better. It doesn’t mean I don’t try to correct my flaws and shortcomings. It also doesn’t mean I’ll never get angry, reactive, or disillusioned ever again. You naturally become responsible for all of your actions and behaviors.

Being human means living the full spectrum of emotion.

Being aware means not letting your emotions take the wheel (when they do, observe and reflect).

Being on the path of self-love means exactly that – I am in love with my Self.

True freedom is the ability to be yourself in any moment or situation, whether alone or with others. When we adjust who we are to our company or environment, we are effectively leaking energy.

Self-love seals up the leaks and allows you to be overflowing with your own energy. Life suddenly becomes easier, more simple, more flowy.

So how does somebody begin to love themselves if they have no idea where to start? All I can truly say, is that it starts with a decision to do so. Once you decide you want to love yourself you’ll have to hang on for the ride and see where it takes you.

You always hear people saying that love is the answer but until you really experience it, those are just words. Until it really, truly, crystalizes inside of you it is ethereal, even cliché. Only you can find out how to love who you are! Be relentless and reflect often.

Your journey may take you places that you least expect, that you can’t even begin to dream of, and so much further into the question “Who Am I?” than anybody could ever describe. It will challenge you, that’s guaranteed. It will test you. Tests always offer you something to learn.

We must all learn how to love ourselves if we really want to be free. Take heed of your lessons as stepping stones on the pathway to self-loving freedom.